


chandelier skies

by kingdra (aroceu)



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Character Study, Community: kpop_prompts, Depression, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-12
Updated: 2011-02-12
Packaged: 2017-10-27 21:55:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/300461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aroceu/pseuds/kingdra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>kyuhyun's never had the strongest heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	chandelier skies

**Author's Note:**

> kpop_prompts 045: mask.

the hardest part of breathing is exhaling. the hardest part of breathing is forgetting, letting go, moving on to take the next breath. the hardest part of breathing is being alive.

the hardest part of being alive is staying alive.

 

kyuhyun forgets. kyuhyun forgets a lot of things. he forgets how old his parents are, the history of korea, and what he had eaten for dinner last night. he forgets all the super junior members' names.

all except one.

"i'm jongwoon," the man in front of him says, shaking his hand and smiling like a long lost boy, waiting to find his way home.

 

there isn't much more to life than singing, dancing and acting. singing your heart out, dancing till your feet hurt, and acting every day, putting on a new mask for a new twenty-four hours, and falling asleep with it on.

there are a lot of things kyuhyun doesn't think about, and so he doesn't think about anything when jongwoon comes up to him on some day after some performance where they had performed some song. jongwoon comes up to him and smiles at him and it's the briefest little smile.

kyuhyun feels like he's being lifted up on wings.

 

a subgroup is formed shortly afterwards and kyuhyun is kind of surprised (because isn't three such a small number? compared to thirteen, anyways). he doesn't mind so much though, when he comes into the practice room and sees jongwoon and jongwoon's face lights up at the sight of him.

ryeowook seems like an annoying little brother and jongwoon is kind of eccentric, but kyuhyun is pretty sure he can get used to this.

 

but at the end of the day, none of it seems perfect. none of it seems quite enough. and kyuhyun isn't sure what more is there for him to want, but this, this isn't quite it.

 

the subgroup doesn't do much (though kyuhyun doesn't mind spending more time with ryeowook and jongwoon - _jongwoon_ ) and they sing really boring ballads, which sometimes make kyuhyun feel like he's going to fall asleep every time he hears the playback.

he tilts his head and rests his cheek against jongwoon's shoulder as they listen to the song for the umpteenth time. _can't we do something more fun?_ kyuhyun groans, though it feels weird speaking because his throat hurts and he wonders why. "this is so boring."

he can feel jongwoon chuckle underneath him, he can feel jongwoon's childlike fingers pat the side of his head. _we'll see about that,_ he says to him, and kyuhyun feels an odd thrill in the bottom of his stomach at the sound of jongwoon's voice.

 

they perform something called the night chicago died. kyuhyun is pretty sure it's his most favorite performance ever.

 

(and no, it has nothing to do with hugging jongwoon.)

 

there are the small moments behind the scenes, behind the cameras, where no one can see. there are small moments where even the closest members themselves have no idea what's going on, and all the business that happens is just between two people, two people.

(it's not like kyuhyun hasn't seen the looks that have been thrown around the dorm, the looks between hankyung and donghae, between hyukjae and sungmin. it's not like he knows the members better than anyone else, because kyuhyun has always had an eye out for these kinds of things.)

kyuhyun is standoffish, deceitful - none of his hugs or kisses or the tiniest conversations mean any more than just friendship. because he's _kyuhyun_ \- he doesn't know any more than friendship. he thinks that when super junior is over, he'll move out and go to some apartment in seoul by himself and do something, be something. whatever he wants to be.

sometimes, he's just so tired of being famous.

 

he watches as jongwoon sighs and puts down his arms from around hyukjae's neck, and wonders if jongwoon is tired of being famous too.

 

and so a lot of things happen. and so kyuhyun tells himself that he's happy, he's perfectly happy being here, with super junior and with twelve other men and everything. he tells himself he's happy after he gets out of the car crash, because hey, he's still alive right? he tells himself he's happy when he watches donghae cry with jongwoon's arms wrapped around him. he tells himself he's happy when more and more subgroups form, and suddenly he's in china, swept away by a language he doesn't even understand.

kyuhyun is happy. that's all he needs to be.

 

but no he's not, because he sees jongwoon watch him all the time, and jongwoon never stops watching him. jongwoon's eyes are dark and mournful and caring, and they kind of make kyuhyun want to cry every time he sees them. he doesn't, though, because hey, he's happy.

 

henry's eyes glisten in the light as he walks out from stage, violin in hand. ryeowook goes over to him immediately and wraps his arms around his torso, while the other members apologize, cry with him. kyuhyun stands to the side, an ache burning into his chest.

 

zhou mi always fumbles, always makes mistakes, is never perfect, and everyone wants to repair him. kyuhyun wants to tell him it's all right, but can't find the strength to do so.

 

donghae cries for the fiftieth time this week and kyuhyun feels his heart breaking. he feels everyone else's hearts breaking around him (because it's painful enough, that hankyung's left, and watching donghae cry is, maybe, even more painful.)

 

youngwoon isn't perfect and everyone knows. no one's just been able to accept it. and so kyuhyun watches as they all run up and hug him, and he wonders if imperfection has its good qualities.

 

he watches all the other members as years go by, years of songs and music and dancing, years of loving and fanservice and performances. he watches as they all have their ups and downs, he watches as they all laugh and weep, he watches as one by one, they start to leave. and kyuhyun notices; he's always noticed. kyuhyun has never had the best heart.

he watches as super junior slowly becomes something a little less than super junior, and a little something more like a family, watching birds slowly leave their nest. he watches as other bands come out from sm entertainment, and from zillions of other entertainment companies, but not one, not one is like super junior.

he watches jongwoon as jongwoon's soul starts crumbling piece by piece, and jongwoon is so weak and imperfect and flawed, and kyuhyun just watches. kyuhyun watches as jongwoon goes to everyone else for support, but they're too busy and he, he is alone.

(kyuhyun wonders if jongwoon is happy.)

 

and so over the years he becomes quieter and quieter, he doesn't know what to do anymore. because he can see that they've never been perfect from the start, and super junior is just one big lie. because they all have their place but they don't, and they all love each other but they don't do anything about it. they're kind of like a family, that broken family that kyuhyun's never wanted but kyuhyun is now a part of.

and so over the years he spends most of his life in all the subgroups that he's being thrown into, pretending that they're a new family even when they're not. pretending that this is how it's supposed to be, that they're all supposed to be real, they're all supposed to have faith. pretending that there isn't anything they can't do, because they care about each other, they're _super junior_.

 

jungsu tells everyone that they'll be super junior forever (kyuhyun can see the lie dragging beneath his heart), that one day all thirteen (and not fifteen) members will be on stage again, that they'll be whole again.

kyuhyun knows that in the next year, jungsu will be gone and then heechul and then jongwoon (his breath catches, a little) and then shindong and then sungmin and then - will this stop? will this ever stop?

 

he sees jongwoon again, in the dorms with no one around. _hyung -_ he says, but stops when he sees that jongwoon, jongwoon isn't okay right now, he isn't okay.

he turns to go away, but jongwoon says, _stop_ before he leaves. kyuhyun stops. jongwoon brings his head up, and kyuhyun can see that his face is red in weary, in brokenness.

 _don't you_ , he says, _do you think that there's any use in having hope?_ jongwoon has bitten lips and bloodshot eyes, and kyuhyun ignores everything grabbing at him in the inside of his chest.

and instead of answering, he turns away. and instead of caring, he ignores. (because ignorance is bliss, ignorance has always been bliss.)

 

(even if you've always known that it's there.)

 

they just break piece by piece. kyuhyun's always seen this coming. (but he doesn't care, right?)

 

the years become faster. kyuhyun can feel the end approaching, perhaps a bit too quickly. but he keeps the fake smile on his face, and feels tired every day.

 

jongwoon tells him that he's done, that he's done with this, that he's done with all of this. jongwoon's hair is ruffled and messy and his eyes are dry and red, and he stares at kyuhyun with a look that says _there's nothing for you to do to stop me_. kyuhyun wonders where it all went wrong, where, down the line, should he have done something to stop him. kyuhyun thinks it's all his fault, and it's all his fault that he doesn't know what to say, and it's all his fault that he says, "okay."

jongwoon tells him that he hates the world and he hates super junior and most of all, he hates _you because you don't do anything, you just stand there like you don't care about us, like you don't care about me, like this is all a big joke to you. what the fuck is wrong with you, why don't you ever do anything, say anything why -_

kyuhyun leans in and presses his lips against jongwoon's. jongwoon throws him back and glares at him, eyes full of disgust as he leaves the room. as he leaves super junior. as he leaves kyuhyun.

 

kyuhyun wonders if there's such thing as love.

 


End file.
